The Good And Not So Good Advice After Loss

​The Good and Not So Good Advice After Loss
You’ve lost your life partner. Your world is shattered, and you are trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and how to overcome the pain and sadness. During this time, you’re likely to receive advice from well meaning people on how to resume living and eliminate the pain and suffering. Friends, family and complete strangers are compelled to try to help you feel better. Most are well-meaning, many have experienced their own loss and some just think they need to help, even if they don’t know how. So, what are some of the good pieces of advice I received after my husband died and what was not helpful? Below is my list.

Unhelpful Advice:

1. You must keep busy
2. Your husband wouldn’t want you to be sad
3. Going out will help you feel better
4. He is in a better place
5. He is at peace now
6. It’s time to move on
7. Start closing accounts and take care of financial matters (within days of his death)
8. Sell your camper, you can’t handle it on your own (the one we loved and lived in for 7 months)
9. You should move to be closer to family or friends
10. Everything happens for a reason
11. You need to be strong
12. At least you had 24 years with him
13. You’re young, you’ll find someone else
14. Be grateful for the love you had with him
15. Try to stay positive
    
    

Helpful Advice:

1. Take the time you need
2. I’m here for you
3. Do you want to talk?
4. Can I bring you a meal?
5. I’m thinking of you and sending you love
6. I love you
7. I’m sorry for your loss
8. Whatever you are feeling is okay
   
   

The list could probably go on and I’m sure there are many other pieces of advice (good and bad) that other widows have received. What’s striking to me, though, is that the “unhelpful” advice is more about someone telling me what I should do whereas the “helpful” advice isn’t advice at all, it is more statements of support, acknowledging that they do not know how to help me, so they will just be there for me.

Nearly two years since my husband died, I continue to be incredibly grateful to my friends and family who showed up for me without judgement and supported me through the darkest days of my life. When we lose our life partner there is no advice that can be given to make someone better. The best we can do is just be there to listen and to not judge. Grief is universal yet also deeply personal.

What are some things that people did for you during your grief that you found helpful?

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