The First 30, 60, 90 Days of Grief

​When my husband suddenly died, without warning, I was immediately tossed into a whole new world with no experience and a lot of unknowns. The intense sadness and loneliness that engulfed me was nearly too much to take. All I wanted was to figure out how to get better and back to feeling like myself again, albeit without my husband. It has been nearly two years since my husband left this earth and I know many newly widowed women wonder how long the pain will last. I will say that the pain, for me, has never really gone away, but it has gotten more dull and less sharp. The first 30, 60, 90 days after my husband passed were the most overwhelming and disorienting. Here is what I experienced.

The first days and week after my husband passed are honestly a blur. I was surrounded by friends who did just about everything for me. I was in shock and completely numb. My friends would ask me if I was hungry or thirsty, and I honestly did not know. I could not respond to basic questions. I slept a lot, cried a lot, and just sat on the couch and stared at the wall. My dogs kept me going – needing to be fed twice a day and walked. They gave me some purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I held the memorial about a month after my husband passed to allow friends and family from out of town to plan their trip and attend. During that month, I made arrangements with the funeral home and started the terrible task of notifying financial and government institutions of his death. This had to be one of the worst parts of widowhood. I mean talking to customer service on a good day can be difficult, so I tried to just make one or two calls a day or as my mental and physical strength would let me.

Prior to the memorial, I tried to go back to work and failed. Widow fog was real and in between meetings I would attempt to tend to tasks associated with the memorial. I was completely distracted and had an incredibly hard time staying focused. Honestly, it was hard to care about work when my whole world had just crashed. Fortunately, I had a very understanding boss and company, and I was able to take another week off from work prior to the memorial. I’m incredibly grateful that I worked for a company that was so flexible and I recognize that not everyone has that same luxury.

After the memorial (30-60 days after my loss), I did go back to work full time and tried to find a new normal around the house. My friends and family were amazing and constantly checked in or had me over for dinner. I have overwhelming gratitude for the support team of friends and family that consistently showed up for me in the first months after my husband died. I’m not sure I could have made it through those dark days without them. However, I can’t deny that I was lonely. The house was quiet, and I did not like it. My sadness turned to guilt as I thought of all the ways I could have saved my husband. “If I had only” was the start of many sentences that I said many, many times.

At around 60-90 days, I was still lonely and sad, but learned that I could not control everything in life, and I let my guilt go. But during this time, I developed a major anger problem. I would actually describe it more as a complete lack of patience and self-awareness. Anything that did not go the way I expected (from the dog walking in the house with muddy paws to a meeting at work that did not go well) would set me off into rage. Reflecting back, I believe my anger resulted from being so exhausted by trying to “get on with life without my husband”. I did everything I could to stay busy and do all the things that I thought needed to be done with my late husband’s estate and yard work and selling my car and cleaning the house and, and, and that I just broke. I couldn’t keep it up any longer. It was all too much, and my body was screaming at me (as I was literally screaming out loud) to stop and slow down.

At around 90 days, I started to give myself grace and practiced self-compassion. I learned that I could not fast forward through my grief. There was no book, podcast or support group that was going to give me the recipe I needed to follow to get better. I just had to go through it. It was hard and exhausting, but slowly I started to adapt to my new normal. I made lots of plans with friends, as being around people who loved me and my late husband was comforting. I liked to talk about him and remember fun time we had together. I started to figure out what I needed to heal from my grief – what made me feel better and what did not. Taking one day at a time was a consistent mantra.

If you are reading this and you are newly widowed, I’m sorry. My advice is to take your time to feel and heal. Do not try to rush through your grief. Try to write down how you are feeling on a regular basis. You’ll navigate a lot of advice, and some will be beneficial, and some will not. Writing down how you are feeling will help you stay focused on what you need. And ask for help. Seek the support of people who have walked in your shoes and can understand your thoughts and emotions. Surround yourself with people who will support you and be there for you as you move through your grief.

A Grief Coach is a valuable resource that can support you in your grief. To help you acknowledge your emotions and support you in developing a plan to move you forward to find joy and meaning in life again. I would be honored to support you. Please schedule a FREE 30-minute consultation to learn how.