Ten Things To Do To Help Someone Who Has Lost a Spouse

​If you have not experienced a significant loss in your life, it may be hard to understand how best to support someone who lost their spouse. There are many ways to offer compassion and support – the biggest and best advice is to simply “show up”. Lean in, be present, and acknowledge and support their grief. Here are some other tips that I found comforting and supportive after my husband passed away.

1. Offer help without waiting for them to ask: Someone who recently lost their spouse is overwhelmed, in shock and experiencing intense sadness. They need help but may not be able to ask for it. They may not want to be a burden, or they don’t know what they need during this difficult time. Take the initiative in assisting with daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, walking dogs, supporting with kids or running errands.
2. Be there for them even after the funeral or memorial service: Many widows feel so supported in the days and weeks after their loss and then many will feel that support wane as weeks turn into months. After the funeral or memorial service, it's important to continue offering your presence and support. This can be a simple text to tell them you are thinking of them, a phone call or stopping by with flowers or food. Just showing up helps them feel supported in their grief.
3. Listen to their story, no matter how many times they need to tell it: Grief takes time to process and telling the story of their loss helps widows move through their grief. It helps them process what happened and makes it feel real, which leads to acceptance, an important part of the grieving process.
4. Advise against making major life decisions in the immediate aftermath of loss: Grieving exposes raw emotions that can often lead to poor judgment, making it difficult to make rational decisions. Some widows feel the need to move, sell cars and other items connected to their spouse within the first year. Other widows are encouraged by friends or family to make big changes after loss. Postponing major life choices until a widow has had time to process their grief will help to ensure their decisions are not rooted in emotion and that they are making them for the right reasons. In most instances, there is no reason to rush big decisions after loss.
5. Understand that grieving is a process that takes time: Grief doesn't follow a set timeline, and everyone experiences it differently. Be patient and understanding, allowing them to grieve at their own pace without pressure or expectations to “get back to life” or “move on”.
6. Respect their unique experience of grief without comparing it to yours: Your grief is not their grief. Each person's grief journey is personal and valid. Avoid comparing their grief to your experiences or imposing your own expectations of how they should feel or behave.
7. Avoid trying to force them to feel better; allow them to process their emotions: It's natural to want to cheer up a grieving friend or loved one but pushing them to feel better before they're ready can be counterproductive and overwhelming. Instead, offer empathy and support as they navigate their emotions. Grief can’t be fixed. It has to be felt to heal.
8. Recognize the impact of secondary loss: Secondary loss refers to smaller losses resulting from the death of a spouse, often associated with the roll their spouse played in the relationship. This could be things like cooking meals, walking the dogs, fixing the cars or taking out the trash. When a widow has to engage in these activities or play the roll that their spouse previously played, it can trigger an emotional reaction. Acknowledge the challenges of secondary loss and offer support and encouragement to get through these times.
9. Remember their late spouse by asking about them and telling stories: Widows want to remember their spouse, to tell stories and keep their memory alive. Many widows feel like others are afraid to bring up their late spouse for fear of making them upset. The memory of a spouse is never far  from a widow's heart and not talking about them can feel lonely and isolating. Keep the memory of their spouse alive by asking about them and encouraging the bereaved to share stories and memories. This will help in the grieving process while commemorating their spouse.
10. Keep checking in on them regularly to offer ongoing support and companionship: Grief can be a long and lonely journey, and widows will appreciate ongoing support even as time passes. Regularly check in with them, offer a listening ear, and continue to be a source of comfort and companionship months and years after their loss.

Does this advice resonate with you? What other advice would you give someone who is looking to support a friend or family member who has lost their spouse or life partner?