How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You’re Grieving

Grieving the loss of a spouse or life partner is confusing, overwhelming and disorienting. Whether their death was sudden or happened after a long illness, the person you were meant to spend your life with is gone and nothing can prepare you for the emptiness and loneliness you feel. The person who was by your side every day is suddenly gone along with all the dreams and hopes for your future together.

So, it is understandable that you are feeling intense pain, sadness, disbelief, anger, etc. Grieving this type of loss if not something you can just “get over” with a good night’s sleep. ​

Yet, many widows and widowers, unsettled in their emotions, diverge into negative self-talk.
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An internal dialog that says:

• “Why am I still crying?”
• “I should be stronger by now.”
• “I need to get over this pain.”
• “Everyone else seems to be coping better than me.”
  
  

The loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful experiences a person can endure. It is emotionally and physically draining. Adding self-judgement or unrealistic expectations on yourself only makes it harder.

Ask yourself this: “Would you talk to a friend the way you are talking to yourself?”

If your best friend came to you - brokenhearted, exhausted, or overwhelmed after losing their spouse - would you tell them to “get over it,” “be stronger,” or “pull it together”?

Of course not.

You’d likely say things like:

• “It’s okay to feel this way.”
• “You don’t have to have it all figured out.”
• “Take your time. You’re doing the best you can.”
• “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
  
  

You deserve the same kindness from yourself.
Grief is not linear. It doesn’t follow a timeline. There’s no gold medal for pushing through quickly, and there’s no shame in needing time, support, or rest.

Being kind to yourself is not a luxury in grief; it is a necessity! Your body, mind, and heart are doing hard emotional work.

It’s okay to:

• Cry when you need to cry
• Rest when you're tired
• Say no when you’re overwhelmed
• Feel joy and sadness at the same time
• Not know what you’re doing and still be doing enough
  
  

Talk to yourself like you would a friend.
If you catch your inner voice criticizing or pushing you too hard, pause. Imagine your words going to someone you love. How would you change the message?

Try replacing harshness with grace:

• Instead of: “I should be over this by now.”
  Say: “This still hurts, and that’s okay.”
• Instead of: “I’m not doing enough.”
  Say: “I’m doing the best I can today.”
• Instead of: “What’s wrong with me?”
  Say: “This is grief. Nothing is wrong with me.”
  
  

Give yourself a break.
Grief is hard. Emotional. Unpredictable. It shakes your foundation. But healing does not come from being hard on yourself; it comes from compassion, patience, and support.

Take a deep breath. Speak to yourself with the same care you’d offer someone you love. Let that be your practice in healing.

Because you deserve that grace.

Are you being too hard on yourself as you grieve? Let’s work together to help you rebuild with compassion and strength.

I invite you to schedule a free 30-minute call to learn more about my grief support program and how I have supported other widows and widowers like yourself to move forward from their grief to find joy again while still honoring the love they shared.
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