Grief Is Personal. Just Do You.

​Grief is hard, emotional, confusing, and overwhelming. I’ve also learned it is uniquely personal. It is not a one size fits all and there is no right or wrong way to do it. What some find helpful or comforting during their grief may not help another and vice versa. The advice I’d give to my former self, in those first few weeks and months after my husband died, is to just do me. 

What does “just do me” or “just do you” mean anyway? It means there is nothing that you HAVE to or SHOULD do in the first days, weeks or even months after your spouse or life partner dies. I received a lot of advice on how to “get over” my grief and a list of all the things I needed to do in the immediate aftermath. Some came from friends and family, some who had lost someone significant to them and some who had not. All wanted to help and “get me better”.

Being in a complete state of shock and just wanting to feel better, I listened to the advice and tried to implement some of the recommendations. Advice like “your need to stay busy”, “going out will make your feel better”, “he wouldn’t want you to be sad”, “life goes on, you have to keep going”, “you should take a trip”, “maybe you should get rid of your dogs”, “you need to sell his truck”, “you need to get rid of his clothes”….

All this advice was well meaning in the mind of the giver, I assume. But, looking back, none of it was particularly helpful. Staying busy made me exhausted. Going out made me feel overwhelmed and resentful towards happy couples. Being sad was all I knew how to do. I knew life does go on and I was trying my best to keep going, but just getting out of bed and dressed was hard in the early days. Taking a trip would not have helped me forget my grief, Getting rid of my dogs would have just been another loss to endure (and they are my family, so no!). I didn’t have the energy or mental bandwidth to think about selling his truck or packing up his clothes. Just seeing his clothes in the closet every day would bring me to tears.

Grief sucks and watching someone you love go through it, also sucks. We want them to be better, to be happy again and go back to being themselves. It’s uncomfortable to be around someone who doesn’t want to do anything but stay at home and be sad and angry. I get it. I wanted more than anything to be better, to stop feeling intense pain and sadness and enjoy activities I liked to do before my husband died. But I learned that was not possible. So, I began to focus on slowing down, taking each day as it came and giving myself grace that this was a journey unlike any I’d ever experienced, and I needed to figure out my own path.

My advice to other widows is to take your time with your grief. Seek help and support to work through your emotions. Don’t feel guilty for how you feel or not wanting to spend time with certain people or wanting to just stay home. Allow advice that doesn’t help you to roll off your back, you don’t have time to pile on resentment towards others while you are grieving, although it is totally natural to feel that way. Don’t feel like you must do anything except take care of yourself and those that rely on you for their day-to-day needs. Selling the car, packing their clothes and any other major decisions can and should wait until you are emotionally ready to handle them.
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Grief never goes away. We build a protective shield around it over time and learn to live with it. My heart aches for those that in the midst of acute grief (the first few days, weeks or months after loss). It is exhausting and incredibly hard. Look inward, know it is a personal journey and just do you!

How are you moving through your grief? Is there any advice you’d give other widows? I’d be honored to support you as you work through your grief. Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to discuss how I can best support you.