Does Staying Busy After Loss Actually Help…or Hurt?

​In the immediate aftermath of my husband’s death, I felt numb, in disbelief and total shock. It was all I could do to get out of bed, to take a shower or even consider a bite of food. My friends struggled to help me, not understanding the depth of my pain. So, when a friend said to me, just three days after Brad died, to “Get off the couch. You have to stay busy. It will help”, I did not know how to respond, but I had good instinct that my body and mind were in no condition to “stay busy”.

“Try to stay busy” is common advice we hear in grief. It turns out to be a complete myth. Staying busy may help you avoid pain or keep your mind occupied, but it does not heal your grief – it only delays your healing or even makes is harder to process later.

Why Staying Busy Can Feel Like the Right Thing to Do
In those early days of grief, sitting still with your emotions feels unbearable. Staying busy can feel like survival and a way to avoid the tidal wave of sadness, loneliness, and uncertainty.

It creates a sense of control when everything feels unmanageable.
It offers temporary distraction from the pain.
It allows you to feel “productive” when you feel completely lost.

To be clear, having structure, small tasks, and support systems can be helpful in grief. But there’s a difference between healthy structure and constant, frantic busyness that leaves no space to feel.

The Problem with Constant Busyness
Here’s what staying overly busy after loss often does:

• It postpones grief, but doesn’t make it disappear
• It leaves no room for reflection or emotional processing
• It leads to exhaustion, burnout, or even physical illness
• It can create distance from your emotions and the people who care about you
• It reinforces the idea that grief is something to avoid, rather than tend to
  
  

Eventually, when the distractions quiet down - when the workday ends, when the visitors stop coming, when the to-do list runs out - the grief is still there, waiting to be felt.

What Healing Actually Looks Like
True healing from grief isn’t about staying busy. It’s about creating space to:

1. Acknowledge your emotions
2. Reflect on your loss
3. Sit with the discomfort, as hard as it is
4. Connect with others who understand
5. Allow your body and mind to rest
   
   

Healing happens in the quiet spaces. In the stillness. In the moments where you let yourself feel what’s real, even when it hurts.

You Don’t Have to Outrun Your Grief
I know how tempting it is to fill every moment with distractions. To avoid the empty house. To outrun the silence.

But grief isn’t something you can outrun. It’s something you learn to carry. And the only way through it - is through it.

That doesn’t mean you have to face it all at once. It doesn’t mean you have to abandon routine or structure. But it does mean giving yourself permission to slow down, to feel, and to heal on your own terms.

If You’re Ready to Stop Running…
If staying busy has left you feeling exhausted, disconnected, or stuck, you are not alone. Many grieving hearts fall into that pattern, not because they’re weak, but because they’re simply trying to survive.

But there is another way.
You deserve space to heal.
You deserve support along the way.

As a grief coach, I walk alongside those ready to stop outrunning their grief and start finding a way forward to rebuild a life that feels right for them.

👉 Learn more about my grief support program: Building Strength to Thrive
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