Bereavement and the Workplace

I was 34 years old when my dad was diagnosed with Stage Four Lung Cancer. I got the call from my mom on a Friday morning while I was at work. It was a call I had been waiting for after he had a biopsy five days earlier. I surely thought a man who never smoked a day in his life could not have lung cancer and, if he did, then it had to be in the early stages. After the call, I did what any good employee would do. I drove to my home 15 minutes away, cried for about an hour in disbelief with my husband, and went back to work. 

When my dad died eight months later, I took about a week off, using my banked PTO, to go home and support him in his final days and help my mom and brother plan the funeral. My first day back to the office, my boss called me into his office and told me I had not received the promotion I had been interviewing for before I left to support my dad. They hired someone outside the company. I shuffled back to my office, cried, and got back to work.

Bereavement in the workplace can only be described as taboo. I mourned for my father for eight long months, from the moment I got that phone call from my mom to the day he died and the grief continued after he passed. I emailed my boss and a few close colleagues to inform them of my situation. All expressed condolences and support, but then life went on as normal. My workload did not change, the expectations for my performance did not change and no one mentioned the elephant in the room that was hanging over my head for months after my dad died. Most companies offer two to three days of ‘bereavement leave” for the loss of a spouse or child. As if anyone can get out of bed two to three days after they lose their spouse or child, let alone go back to work and be a functioning part of society.

When my husband died suddenly when I was 45 years old, my company at the time was very kind and very patient. They told me to “take as much time as you need”. So, I took a month off and still was not ready to be a functioning employee when I returned. When I did return, a few people took time to express their condolences, but most just pretended it didn’t exist and filled my schedule with meetings.
Grief at work doesn’t fit into company performance standards. There is work to be done and businesses to grow. I like to think that those first few months after my husband died that I was operating at 80%, but the reality was I was probably only operating at 50%, if it was a good day. Grief is exhausting, it causes brain fog, sleeplessness, loss of appetite and anxiety. Even if I wanted to be back to 100%, my body and mind literally would not let me. Grief was my full-time job, getting out of bed, putting on clothes, those were milestones in the early weeks.

The compassion of “take as much time as you need” began to wane. I felt the subtle pull that I needed to get back to operating like I did before my husband passed away. To absorb the workload, to produce results, to be creative and inspiring again to my team. The reality was that I just couldn’t do it. I did not have the energy or mental bandwidth to even try to do that.

So, what are companies to do? The ironic thing about bereavement is that everyone, I mean everyone, will go through it in their lifetime. The loss of a parent, a spouse, a child or even a very close friend. Do companies really want employees back to work when they’ve barely even attended or planned a funeral? When their brain is mush and all they can do is think about their loss, their sadness, and their loneliness. This is not only not good for business, but also not good for morale.

I get it. Some people want to go back to work, to a routine, and to stay busy. And that is fine. But many people need time to heal and time to grieve. Fortunately, mental health has gotten a lot of attention coming out of the pandemic. Companies are recognizing the need to support employees with insurance that covers mental health therapy or even offering mental health days. These are great milestones for mental health and for seeing employees as people with feelings and lives outside work. I think it’s also time for companies to re-examine their bereavement policies to better support employees as they grief. Consider more time off, reduced workloads, allowing for breaks throughout the day and many more things to best support those that are grieving. An employee that feels supported during their grief will lead to higher morale, better loyalty and, ultimately, better business results.
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What are your experiences with bereavement leave after your loss? What suggestions would you offer to companies to best support employees who are grieving? Share them here.