Being Okay with Unanswered Questions in Grief

​Death of a loved one, especially a spouse or life partner, can be accompanied by so many questions. Why did they have to die? Why did this happen to us? Could I have prevented this? Did I see warning signs? Unfortunately, death and subsequent grief are full of questions that cannot be answered. Learning to live and move forward without those answers can be difficult and it is important to the healing process.

In David Kessler’s book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, he discusses the difference between pain and suffering and says, “Pain is the pure emotion we feel when someone we love dies. The pain is part of the love. Suffering is the noise our mind makes around that loss, the false stories it tells because it can’t conceive of death as random. Death can’t just happen. There must be a reason, a fault. The mind looks for where to lay the blame, perhaps on ourselves, perhaps on someone else. Our loved one died not because of the cancer, but because the nurse gave morphine for pain management. Or their life ended because we put them in hospice, not because they were dying with an end-stage disease.”

When my husband suddenly died, I spent weeks focused on all the “what ifs” surrounding his death. Could I have prevented it? Did I see this coming? I had guilt that I wasn’t able to help him or that I didn’t force him to see a doctor sooner (he was notorious for not going to the doctor). I questioned the universe. We were good, kind people who helped others and stayed grateful, why did this have to happen? It wasn’t fair!

And there it was – the statement that so many of us say after the death of a loved one. It isn’t fair! Nothing about losing your spouse or life partner is fair and there is nothing we can do about it. The lack of control was maddening! Surely there is something I could have done or can still do to make this better.

What I learned is that we often think we can control a lot more than we actually can in life. Death is the last bit of control we relinquish. Not everything happens for a reason in our life, and we certainly cannot control all of the outcomes.

This is a harsh reality in grieving, accepting the things we do not understand and cannot change. Accepting that our loved one is not coming back and that there is nothing we can do to change that reality.

A big component of moving forward in grief is acceptance. Accepting that our loved one is dead. Accepting that we cannot change that or could not change the inevitability of that. Ruminating in the “what ifs” and the unanswered questions is what causes suffering in grief. It’s natural to ask these questions, but also important to accept that they cannot be answered to move forward into healing.

How are you doing with the unanswered questions surrounding your loved one’s death? Are you able to see the practical side to understand there will be some questions you’ll never be able to answer? And that leaving them unanswered is part of the healing journey and moving forward?
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This is a tricky part of grief. Allowing our heart to heal despite not fulfilling all the mind’s questions. I lived it and I can help you in that journey. Only you can choose to accept that journey towards healing. Reach out to me to learn how.