Am I Going Crazy? Navigating Anger & Rage in Grief

I could have never been prepared for the grief I felt after my husband died. I had grieved the death of my father ten years earlier, but losing my life partner, my best friend and my everything was the most overwhelming and difficult thing I’ve ever had to endure. I experienced intense sadness, loneliness, and guilt – all things I would have expected. But nothing could have prepared me for the anger and rage that would envelope me and come pouring out of me with no self-control. I thought “Am I going crazy?”. The short answer was no, so let’s jump into anger and rage during grief and why it is normal and how I navigated it.

It was 1am. I was awoken by my dog licking her paws. Without even thinking, I jumped out of bed and started screaming at her to “shut up!”. Over and over, I screamed as she looked up at me in disbelief and fear. My head was saying, “What are you doing? Get control of yourself”, but my body couldn’t stop screaming. I’d never experienced anything like this in my life. Absolute rage that I knew, I knew in my head was irrational, but I literally had no control over it.

I thought the anger stage of grief would be anger at the situation or at my late husband. That was not how my anger emerged. I was angry at just about everything that didn’t go right. I dropped the bowl of dog food on the ground, the air in my truck tire was low, the dryer didn’t get the clothes full dry – all of these things, typically mundane parts of life, would toss me into full on rage. What did my rage look like? Screaming, crying, throwing things, kicking things. There were days I literally thought I could punch a hole in the wall.

I’ve never been an angry person. In fact, I think most people would say I am very levelheaded with a very consistent personality. So, what in the world was going on?  It was called grief and as I stated above – I was completely unprepared for it!

I hated feeling this way, feeling completely out of control, and teetering on the edge every day. So, with help of a grief professional, I examined my feelings and reactions and realized how much my husband had been my counter-balance in life and now that was gone. I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life and as I got older it got worse. My husband was the opposite of anxious and always helped me reframe situations and to focus on the moment versus focusing on the "what ifs". Without that in my life, my anxiety manifested into rage and anger with the help, of course, of my grief. Once I was able to understand why I was reacting the way I was, it helped me feel less crazy and empowered me to work through this stage of my journey.

We can’t always control how we will react when our spouse or loved one dies, despite what some may say. But we can acknowledge it, have self- compassion and acceptance to share it and work through it. No-one ever said grief was easy. This was the hardest part of my early grief.
​
Are you struggling with anger or rage with your grief? I’d be honored to support you in your journey. Schedule a free 30 minute consultation.