A Club I Never Wanted to Join & Kindness of Strangers

When my husband died suddenly, I was immediately tossed into a club that I never wanted to join. A club of widows, a club of those that have loved and lost. At 45 years old, I was in shock and in disbelief, yet this was my life. I couldn’t ignore it. I wore it like a wet, heavy blanket every day.

Typical life activities became overwhelming and unimaginable. The first time I went to the grocery store after my husband died, I left a full cart of groceries in the aisle and walked out. I literally could not do it. It was painful to even try to look at someone and make eye contact let alone shop for myself. I remembered all my husband’s favorite foods and seeing them put me into a tailspin.

The first time I went to the hardware store after my husband died, I dissolved into tears, remembering the last time I was there was with him. People saw me, they stared or tried not to make eye contact. Surely, no one wanted to ask me why I was crying or if I needed help. You see, they weren’t part of the club. They likely hadn’t gone through something as traumatic as I had and had no idea what to say or do for the lady crying in aisle five.

The upside of joining this club? You develop more empathy and compassion for others. I’ve always tried to practice kindness, reminding myself that we never really know what others around us are going through. But now I was that person. I was that person that couldn’t make eye contact with others in public, that avoided the question of “how are you today?”, that seemed self- absorbed or even rude! It brought a whole new meaning to practicing kindness with others.

Four months after my husband died, I took his truck to the DMV to update the registration from his name to mine. At this point in my grief, I was able to be in public again although life was still hard. I live in a small town, so our DMV is also very small. As I entered the building, a young, handsome man held the door open for me. I thanked him and walked to one of the open windows. There were four women working that day and about five people being helped or waiting to be helped. The room was quiet as I announced my husband recently passed away and I was there to update the registration for his truck. Immediately, I felt all the eyes in the room on me. I imagined them looking at me in disbelief (she’s so young!) or in pity. I started to choke up. The woman helping me, handed me tissues as she worked through my paperwork.

About that time, the young, handsome man finished his car registration and walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I’m so very sorry for your loss”. I erupted in tears and barely made it back to my truck where I sobbed my whole drive home. What I realized afterward though, is he was most likely part of the club. He didn’t need to say anything to me, yet he did. A simple phrase, a simple comment and although it set me into a meltdown, was so kind and comforting.

I’ve written in other Blog posts about the desire to be acknowledged when you are grieving. This man acknowledged me. For a moment, he felt my pain and was compelled to offer sympathy. It’s a club no one wants to join, losing a spouse or close loved one, but it’s our life and we march on with more kindness, empathy and compassion.
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