5 Things That Surprised Me About Grief

​Grief over losing a loved one is something we all hear about, but until we experience it firsthand, we don’t fully understand its depth. When my husband suddenly passed away, I thought I knew what grieving him would entail – sadness, tears, and eventually healing. But, I learned that grief has its own timeline and a complex range of emotions and symptoms that would send me into complete survival mode. Here are five things about grief that took me by surprise.

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1. The Physical Toll of Grief: I expected grief to be an emotional experience, but I didn’t expect it to absolutely exhaust me and hit my body the way it did. The exhaustion was overwhelming, like I was carrying an invisible weight every day. Despite the exhaustion, I found myself unable to sleep. I also couldn’t really eat. I also experienced headaches and body aches. I learned that during grief our bodies store our pain and that I had to listen to my body and give into that exhaustion instead of fighting it.
   
   
2. The Anger: I did not expect to feel so angry after my husband died. I was not angry at him or the situation, but at life in general. I had zero patience for the everyday trials and tribulations of life. Accidentally dropping a bowl of dog food on my kitchen floor would send me into a complete spiral of anger and rage. I felt like I was going crazy but learned that anger is very much a part of grief and the healing process.
   
   
3. The Brain Fog: In the first few days after my husband died a friend asked me if I was hungry or wanted a glass a water. I literally could not answer. I struggled to make the most basic decisions in life. I’d walk into a room to grab something and the next thing I knew I was doing ten other things at the same time. I struggled to focus on work or to concentrate enough to even read a book. The mental impact of grief was real and completely took me by surprise.
   
   
4. The Apathy That Set In: One of the hardest things to explain is the apathy that followed my loss. I’ve always been a driven and focused person, but immediately after my loss, I stopped caring about things that used to matter to me. Work, hobbies, even simple tasks like making dinner or returning a text was challenging. The world had lost its color and I didn’t know how to get it back. I learned that this is a natural response to grief – some describe it as being numb. It’s the body natural way to protect you from the debilitating pain of loss.
   
   
5. How Long Grief Lasts: I thought there was a playbook to heal from grief: do these 10 things and you’ll feel better tomorrow. I thought if I could just get a good night’s sleep or focus on being grateful or positive that I would feel better. But grief does not work that way. There is no finish line, no moment when you just wake up and say “Oh, I’m done grieving now”. Grief is a lifetime journey and instead of “getting over it”, I’ve learned to live with and build a life around it. The pain of my loss has softened. It is less sharp than in the early weeks and months, but the love remains always.
   
   

If you have experienced any of these things, know that you are not alone. Grief is unpredictable and deeply personal, and it does not follow a linear path. There is no “right way” to grieve, and whatever you are feeling – whether it’s exhaustion, anger, numbness or even apathy – it is okay and part of the process.

Give yourself grace. Grief is exhausting and must be felt to heal. Healing is not forgetting, so let yourself feel the emotions that come with your pain. With the right support and time, you will slowly move forward to rebuild your life without your loved one at your side.
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What has surprised you most about grief? Sharing your experience can help others who may be struggling. 

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