10 Things I Learned About Grief After My Husband Died

​Losing a loved one, especially a spouse, can feel like being thrown into a turbulent sea without a life jacket. In the aftermath of my husband's death, grief became a constant companion, teaching me invaluable lessons that reshaped my perspective on life, love, and healing. Here are ten profound truths I discovered along this journey:

1. You can’t “think” your way out of grief. I am a rational thinker and have been able to use this skill effectively in my life to assess challenging situations and apply logic and reasoning to solve it. However, I realized that grief is not something that can be “solved” or rationalized away. Unfortunately, you have to go through the emotions, the pain, the sadness, the anger etc. to get to the other side.
2. You don’t ever “get over it”. I naively asked my husband years ago when my Dad was dying of cancer “how long does it take to get over the death of your parent”? He honestly responded, “I don’t think you ever get over it”. I was trying to figure out how long the pain would last and what I needed to do to get over it. Unfortunately, you never get over it, but you do learn to live with it and move forward.
3. It’s okay to stay in bed all day if you need to. There is a social misconception that staying busy or getting back to life is how you move through grief. The truth is there is no right or wrong way to mourn. If your grief is too much and all you can do in the first few weeks is stay in bed, that is okay. It’s okay to surrender to the sadness and not feel guilty about it.
4. It’s okay to be sad or angry or anything you are feeling. Grief is complex with a lot of emotions and there is no right or wrong way to experience it. Some emotions caught me off guard, especially the anger and rage I felt after my husband died. I’ve never been an angry person, but the smallest thing, like my dog licking her paws in the middle of the night, would throw me into a rage of anger. These emotions are normal and part of the process of healing. However, thoughts of personal harm or suicide should be taken seriously and do require you to seek help.
5. Seeking help and support is important. I was in a trauma therapist's office within one week of my husband dying and a grief counselor’s office within two weeks. These professionals help provide me with invaluable coping mechanisms and the support I needed to move forward. Finding a good support system whether that be a therapist, a counselor or a support group is important in grief. It provided a safe place and a sense of connection during the darkest moments of my life.
6. Say yes to friends and family who want to help, but it’s okay to be selective. After my husband died, I was lucky enough to have an army of friends surround me for the first month. They provided meals, cleaned my house, walked my dogs and planned the memorial. I could not have gotten through that time without that love, help and support. However, I was selective on who I allowed in my life at this time. I needed people with calming energy, that didn’t tell me what I needed to do or how to get over my grief. It’s okay to say “no” to people who cannot provide the energy or support you need in your grief.
7. Many people in your life won’t know what to say. My husband died young. I was young. My friends could not relate. Most had no idea what to say or how to act. Many were “scared” to see me or talk to me out of fear of saying the wrong thing. This can be a hurtful part of loss: people distancing themselves from you. I learned to release expectations and focus on their positive intentions as they navigated this uncharted territory with me.
8. Many people will say the wrong thing in an effort to help or fix you. It’s human nature to want to help people, especially people we care about when they are hurting. The reality is there are no words or actions that anyone can say or take to make your loss better. I learned to recognize what I needed and was okay to tell my friends and family what was not helping. I again surrounded myself with people who didn’t try to “fix me”.
9. Life is short. Find your meaning. Before my husband died, I always tried to stay grateful for what we had and take time to do the things that made me happy. But after he died, this was exacerbated. After I worked through the acute grief of the first 6 months, I started to focus on the life I wanted to live without my husband. I prioritized the things that were really important to me and made sure to find time to enjoy them as much as possible, honoring my husband’s memory in the process.
10. Life goes on. In the days after my husband died, I remember my friend driving me around town and I’d look out the window at people laughing and walking down the street, couples enjoying a coffee and just generally going about their lives. My whole world had stopped, and I couldn’t understand how anyone else was still functioning around me. But the sun does come up and life does keep moving, even if I wasn’t ready to be part of it.

Grief is a profound and arduous journey that defies neat resolutions or timelines. Through my grief journey, I've discovered my own resilience, compassion, and acceptance. The grief of losing my husband will always be a part of me, but I’ve learned to build a life around it with courage and grace.

Are you struggling with grief and looking to move forward? I'd be honored to support you in your journey.

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